Splinters

by Mr. David R. Dorrycott

A Petunias Perils Story

Splinters of wood showered the small laboratory, blinding the viewer for a moment as a worn wooden door gave way to a heavyset wombats kick. Before half of those splinters had ceased moving the short, heavyset figure entered, immediately taking center pont. Framed by the light from behind him Sheriff Carlos del la Loco shifted his double barreled shotgun. “Senora Doctor. I know you are here. Surrender. I weell make this most quick” he ordered. Only silence answered him. A silence that held only one other sound, that of a soft hissing. Sniffing the air the wombat smiled a most cruel smile. Shifting himself into a more heroic stance he reached behind him, flipping a light switch from off to on.

Flame and burning debris exited the laboratories doorway. For an instant a form that might have been de la Loco could be seen flying off. Then nothing. Nothing but the sounds of flames licking hungrily at old dry rotted wood as the near hundred year old building began to burn. Then a groan rose from somewhere. A sound of one in deep and mortal pain. Movement caused smoking debris to fall away from a burned and battered form. Sheriff Carlos de la Loco slowly lifted himself to a sitting position, obviously now in great pain. As he tried to gather his bearings a sharp sound of boot heals on stone came to him. Clearing his remaining good eye he turned to look blearily towards that sound. “Senora Doctor. You have come” he managed, his voice a shadow of its original heroic sound.

He tried to lift his shotgun, only to find it now a twisted parody of its former self. Letting the ruined weapon fall aside he tried to reach into his jacket, only to discover that his arm would no longer work that way. “You have won Senora Doctor” he gasped, letting his body slip down onto the debris that surrounded him.

A well dressed mouse stopped near him, dropping down on one knee. “Its Senorita, not Senora” a calm voice corrected. “There was nothing to win honored Sheriff. I never wished you any harm. Didn’t you smell the gas? I made certain that it would be thick enough for even a duck to smell.”

Carlos looked up into that attractive face. A face terribly marred by an eyepatch. That patch itself embellished by an embroidered silver star. “Si. I smelled” he admitted. “Is why I did not shoot. Why then explosion?”

Silver Star, arch villainess to most of the world reached out to gently brush splinters of wood from the dying wombats face. “Electrical spark” she explained. “From when you flipped that switch. It almost caught me as well.”

“Ah. I must remember. Next time. The light, not to....” Carlos’s voice faded until his body relaxed completely.

Carefully Silver Star laid the Mextixa lawman down, then reaching over him recovered his now useless shotgun. This she placed on his chest, pressing his lifeless paws around it. “Go with God” the mouse said as she stood. “You were the most honest lawman I ever met.” Then she turned and walked away.

Bright light filled the screening room, its glare showing three furs sitting in plush velvet seats. One, a fat Kodiak bear held a huge cigar between his teeth..

“Good acting by ta Mex” a dapper effeminate looking fox offered, himself holding a cigarette in a long paw carved ivory holder. “Better than I expected considering that this is but a B movie. Buh he’s always turned in good acting. Correct KL?”

“Dag. Your correct about that actin” the bear agreed. “Wasted effort. Its that damn mouse who everyone is gonna be looking at. Hell Rob. Could yah have cut that skirt any shorter?”

Robert Windslong, a much thinner than expected porcine looked up from the clipboard in his paws, a board that held his notes for this screening. “Sir. Jean would wear nothing should I give that scene to her. That skirt is as short as the commission will allow and I am afraid that we will have to distract the member who views this scene. Seeing as Jean’s panties were showing. Though barely.”

A heavy laugh that turned into just as heavy a cough came from the bear. “Hafta watch this ahgin. Didn’ see that.”

“Like hell you didn’t” Robert countered. “I was watching you after all.”

“Okay, you have me. Title of this new disaster?”

“George has it penciled in as The Grey Mold. I’m leaning more towards the Grey Blob while Jean and Charlene had tagged it as Mutant Dust Bunnies From Venus. This will be our tenth Petunia movie after all.”

Slowly standing the bear stretched, popping sounds telling all who listened that he had been sitting much too long. “How yah got that ring sequence in Invasion From Selene past the board I’ll never know. They should have yanked it. And tha European version. My my my. How are yah’all gonna top that one.”

“I made a rather indelicate remark to the old bird that day” Robert admitted. “Poor girl, thought she’d loose all her feathers. Least she didn’t take me up on it. If you want to top Selene your gonna hafta hire that Texan again. Until then we’re gonna play it safe. Even if ratings are down.”

“Robby” the fox asked, from experience catching that this was a conversation he really did not want to be involved in. “Is Georgie still in town?”

“Same place as always. Go to it boy.” Robert watched in some amusement as the fox gathered his things, made excuses to KL then vanished. “I think he has a serious crush on my special effects master” the porcine mused.

“Better you than me” KL laughed. “Both are as fay as tha day is long, but both hold mor talent in one paw than most straights hold inna wheelbarrow. Couldn’ run this place without either of them. Say, changin tha subject. Pantines going to be filming that new Shirley Shrine movie in Canada. Filming starts in three weeks. I finally got your boy in as an major extra. Couple lines with that little monster too. All I could do for him I’m afraid. Ah also took tha liberty of reserving a room in the local rest home for him. Shouldn’t take more than a month for the boy to recover.”

“Thanks. We did warn him but he wouldn’t listen. So what’s the word, is this intro a good hook?”

Sucking heavily on his cigar the bear kept quiet for some time. “Damn good hook” he admitted. “Best ave seen in a week. But Rob. Word from on high is PP has lost her fan base. There probably whon be another serial. You best start huntin a new project. Got a few in the wings, if your interested.”

Robert rubbed his face with his paws, groaning slightly. “Told those two that toning things down was wrong. Hell KL. This would be the first time SS has shown her face since that closing scene and she was asleep then.” He bit a claw, staring at the blank screen for a while. “Actually, Jean was asleep. Can you arrange one last serial? Call it a closure?”

KL puffed out a large smoke ring, watching it drift slowly towards the ceiling far above him. “Why bother Rob. Just film. You don’t hav ah idea yet do you?”

“I might. I just might” the porcine admitted. “Remember if you may, that when Star and Petunia last saw the Selenite General he claimed that he would return?”

“Ah shall return, yes. Bad line that, somethin I’d expect from ah self-centered stuffed shirt. So you wanna bring him back. Another trip to those islands on the bottom of the world?”

“I’ll film in the states” Robert conceded. “To save money. We took a lot of stock footage after all. We can have the Selinite’s return. Nastier this time. Lots nastier. At the end Petunia is taken away as a prisoner while say, Star is under a pile of rubble. We close the film with something like Star dragging herself into the sunlight, looking up at a departing spaceship. Some kind of closing line the viewers can hold on to. Say an oath to follow them to Hell and bring her Petunia back.

KL took another draw on his cigar, again puffing a single ring of smoke upwards. “You get the same writer from that first chapter?”

“If I can. She’s a second year by now and should be on break. Jean can probably do that much. One last hurrah. For our fans? Then I’ll direct whatever fool cowboy serial you choose. As long as the Shrine isn’t near it.”

“Yah heard she’s been nosin about Petunia’s work huh? Thinks she can do bettern Star is that buzz. One last hurrah then. You know Rob. No cliffhanger has ever had a last hurrah. Maybe we ought to try it. Okay then. I’ll give you a week. If yah need money let me know. I’ll personally cover your operatin costs for that long. Get that script, then come in with your pitch. I know you’ll bring Jean, seeing as your lousy with we bigwigs. Maybe we just might manage this. And with ten serials we can splice ah movie out of it in ten or twelve years. Damn near free money.”

Standing the porcine slapped his hat against his leg, knocking off some of the heavy tobacco smoke that had settled on his suit. “Ah week. I can cover that long. Done KL.” Turning away from the brooding bear who was now waiting for the next director in line to show his hook, he quietly made his way out of the screening room. Out and into air he couldn’t cut with his claws anymore. A week. Could that Songmark girl manage a fully completed script by then? There was, he knew, only one way to find out.

Three hours and several nickle phone calls later Robert met with his two stars. Of his sometimes writer and full time special effects man, an otter known to all as George Jacob Spring no sign had been found. Obviously a certain fox had found the love of his life and dragged the otter off somewhere. That left the three of them to gather in the cheap diner and discuss the fate of Petunia’s Perils. Robert was of course the series director. What wasn’t well known was that he was also the series original creator. Why he had even written the first two cliffhangers himself. Under a pen name of course.

Across from the porcine sat his two stars. Charleen Van Pugpug was the series true star who portrayed the snoopy investigative newspaper reporter Petunia Lawson, and was admittedly about as well built a vixen as had ever crossed the silver screen. She sat beside her sometimes co-star and apparent best friend Jean Lynn Morris. Jean portrayed the villainess Silver Star, though their hard core fans seemed to consider the accused mad scientist mouse of being a do-gooder in disguise. Between the three they represented three quarters of the creative team that had brought nine twenty-four chapter cliffhangers to weekend movie screens. Now they gathered to discuss the end of what to them had become a second life.

Charleen dipped a finger into her drink, gently stirring the light brown mixture of coffee and milk as she spoke. “Robert. We knew it would end eventually” the vixen explained, lifting her finger to suck coffee off its tip. “Nine films, two hundred and sixteen thirty minute chapters. A hundred and eight hours of film. If you deduct the recaps and teasers, that’s still a lot of film through the gates. Even if they give us a final show what good would it do. Rob, I like Petunia. I like most of the stories and I love working with you and your team. But I want to move on with my career. I’m certain Jean does too.”

Sipping her own coffee, black, Jean Morris shrugged. “What career” she asked as she sat her mug down. “I fell inta movies as ah stunt flyer. Ahm no actress, no ones gonna come lookin for me. This thing ends ah’ll just head back tah Nevada ahn get a flying job. Maybe teach, get married, have pups. Maybe jus move back tah Spontoon, rag all tha first years fer fun. Has been a fun ride though. Least ah won’t be playing your business partner anymore Rob. Your gonna haftah find someone else tah hide yah from the politicians.”

“Loads of thanks for that one” Robert laughed. “Seriously. Can you get that Lucy woman to write something for us?”

Jean tapped a claw against her mug, obviously working out the logistics of the porcines request. “July twenty-ninth. School been out twelve days. She’s from Texas. So iffin she went home I’d have to find her first. Probably two, three days. If she stayed on Spontoon only two three radiograms. Then if she will, how much was tha check you sent her anyway.”

“Profit sharing? After all costs I think she made about two hundred over her own cost. Check was for five hundred and something. Why?”

“Caus dear sweet Director, ah woman is more likely tah take a job iffin she made a profit from tha last one. What storyline this time? Still tha dust bunnies?”

“No, no we are dropping that though I will keep the hook. That’s too good a scene and character to waste. I’ve something different in mind ladies. Ah revisit to our friends tha Selenites. Now it goes this way...”

One day and eleven hours later a two engine G-21 Goose taxied up to Casino Island. Once secured its two occupants moved to a waiting water taxi, then to Casino Island itself. With little time to spare and even though it was late in the evening the two went directly to an out of the way restaurant called Sheppards. There they met up with a half wildcat, half cougar Texan by the name of Lucy Ullrich who had written their most popular script to date. Finding the young woman proved easy, as even in the relative dim light of Sheppards patio her true platinum blond hair stood out like a searchlight.

“Hairs gonna give you serious problems eventually” Jean said in way of greeting as she sat. “Migh cost you that pretty neck.”

Lucy ran the fingers of one paw though her hair before responding. “I’ll dye it black, comes tha time. Jean, Robert. Kinda nice tah see yah again. Thanks for that check Robert. It funded one wild end of term party.” She leaned back studying the two before her. “Watched that hook yah sent. Must be nice tah have friens in tha local theater. So. Ah last gully washer befor yah shut tha dam. Why bother?”

Motioning a waiter over Robert used the act of ordering drinks as an excuse to buy time. Once the waiter had left he turned his full attention on the rather athletic and very attractive young woman sitting at ease across from him. “My story is that I’m doin it for the fans” he answered. “Truth is, I’m doin it for me. I want to see Petunia end on a high note, not that limpid ending of the last one.”

“Was kinda bad writtin.” Lucy admitted. “Petunia bein given her story by government agents claimin that aliens were in tha government. Who’s trash was it?”

“Some high mucky-mucks son” Jean admitted. “Big fan of Petunia, just haddah write a script. Hollywood is like that Lucy. Your best writer can fly rings around ah script, but if some rich yo-yo in power wants it your gonna be fed bullshit and have to smile. Will you do it, in two days?”

Lucy propped her feet up on the chair next to her, leaning her head back to look up into the night sky. “Like ah said. Saw your teaser. Mextix sheriif gettin killed ahn all. Yah can get that actor back for one, ten more scenes?”

Robert laughed. “He’s a contract bit actor Lucy. Certainly. He probably needs work anyway.”

“Good. Can do. Ah’ll make ‘im real important so tha fans don laugh when ‘es aced. You two go enjoy yerselves. I’ll contact yah when ah have somethin tah show you.” Sitting back up she smoothly stood. “Bills yours oh mighty Director” the wildcat said as she walked away, her drink left untouched.

“I know, I know” Robert admitted before Jean could open her muzzle. “This is Casino Island, Ulrich has already finished her first year. That means she can find us no matter where we go. Now where can we get a good steak at this hour?”

It was late the next evening when a nondescript native tugged on Roberts sleeve. Looking slightly up into the canines eyes Robert raised his eyebrows.

“Crazy writer says has script” the canine reported. “Says you pay me five shells I take you too her.”

Groaning at the cost, for obviously Lucy Ulrich could just have easily have found him herself the porcine dug a five shell note from his wallet, passing it over. He hadn’t seen Jean all day either. Something about meeting old friends she’d told him. More than likely that impressive mare and her partner he decided, though he would have been shocked to discover his co-star had spent half her day having tea with one of her old feline tutors instead. Following the canine who’s exact lineage was impossible to determine Robert eventually found himself in a small resort. There he was taken to hut number three and left alone at the door. “Ms Ulrich” he called, to have the door in front of him open as if by magic.

“Comeonin. Take ah load off yer feet” came the Texan’s response.

Entering with hat in paw he found Lucy Ulrich and Jean sitting at a small table. In front of Lucy was a rather thick pile of typed papers. “Your script” he asked, sitting on the only thing that was available, the wildcats rented bed.

“Decided tah have Silver Star do some fast editin first” Lucy explained. “Saves time. Long story or short?”

“Short please” Robert decided. “If Jean is capable I’d like to fly out soonest.”

“Your no co-pilot Robby and I’ve been awake too long for that flight” the mouse admitted. “I need five, six hours of sleep at least. Then we’ll be flyin into that sun for an hour. Rob, its ah good story. Better than her last one.”

Making himself as comfortable as he could while sitting on a young woman’s bed, even if she wasn’t in it, Robert gestured with his hat. “I’m listening.”

“Real short.” Lucy started. “Your aliens return. Petunia finds out, gets captured. Silver Star goes tah her rescue but ends up watching as tha alien ship blasts off with Petunia captive. Longer version. Aliens return. Tha aint Selenite’s Petunia discovers in her vestigations. Their from Mars, only have ah base on tha moon. They suck yer reporter in with wha she thinks is ah white slavery group. For revenge mainly. Tha and oh course, Mars needs Earth females to see if their compatible. Yah know, can cross breed without mulein? When Petunia vanish’s its ah fact reported in several papers so Silver Star gets involved. Mixtex sheriff spots er while hunting missin senoritas an stays hot on her trail. Yer keepin that love interest righ?”

“Might as well” Robert decided. “It’s a last hurrah. Give their fans everythinh they want. Continue please.”

Lucy continued, filling in where needed. Having both defeated and humiliated the alien General before this time he had concocted an elaborate scheme that would place both of his enemies into his races reproduction program. A most humiliating position for women such as themselves. Having captured Petunia (as was her normal fate) she was used as bait to drawn Silver Star in. However as careful as the aliens were when they captured Star, even without her device belt she proved too much for them. Eventually the aliens were forced to abandon their base on Earth when Star caused the power generation system to overload. In the end Star drags herself out of the wreckage only to discover that the last working ship was escaping and aboard it was Petunia. In both versions of the film, American and European Star vows to follow them and rescue Petunia. Only the words would be changed for each version.

“I like it” Robert admitted. “Especially with the European versions ‘my wife’ instead of the American versions ‘my friend.’ We’ve miles of stock footage of Nuni Hale I didn’t use still in the can. How much?”

“Same deal as lass” the Texan answered. She yawned, turning her head away instead of covering her muzzle with a paw. “Nah iffin you’d unass mah bed, I gotta get some sleep.”

Jean picked up the papers as she stood, motioning Robert out with a flick of her tail. “I’ll write you again” she told Lucy as the bobcat made her way to the waiting bed. Then they were out, Jean closing the door behind her while slipping those precious papers into a canvas shoulder bag. “Good script.”

“Good writer” Robert agreed.

“And your interested in her.”

Robert shrugged. “Won’t lie Jean. She pretty, she’s female and I’ve been away from home a very very long time. Interested doesn’t mean I’m going to do anything about it. She needs to stay away from tha studios thou. Wolves on sheep.”

“Good your honest about it” the mouse agreed. “Because she swore off men until she graduates. Now lets get some sleep, I’m pooped. Oh, and those sheep? That would be tha studio boys. Nah a Songmark graduate.”